| Happy New Year... |
[Jan. 2nd, 2005|10:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Numb, Lost,ready | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Relient K | ] |
Friday~Candy Casey and i left for DC..we got to the hotel, and we went exploring..and eventually we bought a deck of cards and played in the lobby and met *Josh and Lorenzo* For New Years, i went to the party in the hotel and we had an awesome time, then casey, candy me and josh went to the roof and we said our new years resolutions, and then i cried and then we hung out til 1am and went back to the room, then we met Josh in the lobby around 11:30-12...and we went to the zoo and hung out and got lunch together and chilled, and then we watched napoleon dynomite and the ring til 1:30am, and then met Josh at 9:30 before church and hung out and thenw ent ot church and then hung out til 4:30..and all of it was great..
but then the down side...
i realised that i cant even stand hearing the echo of his voice through a phone without tearing up...i wrote so much about him in my "book" and every time i read it i cry...i HATE HIM NOT BEING IN MY LIFE! i didnt know it would be so hard...and i hate the fact that i cry and the fact that it still hurts..i just wish it were at the point of me not having to cry, and me being okay...i hate how i got hurt, but i hate even more that it wont go back to being friends.....ever. What hurts even more is he doesnt freakin understand! He doesnt get that he isnt fixing anything..If he did understand then Why the heck are we even the way we are now?! And most of all, how can he not understand when i have explained it to him and everyone else and there mom's have explained it to him..i dont get it..i just DONT FREAKIN GET IT!!
If im doing something wrong,..jsut please freakin tell me!
2005...the year i am supposed to let the past be the past...i have been sooo good at it until now...i couldnt even last 3 days...and im already feeling the pounding of it, and the pain from it all...Not even THREE FREAKINg DAYS could i last...without crying about michelle, or without thinking about the spring...or even last january..i remember every freaking day of it all...
someone..please tell me..does it ever go away?
the last thing i have needed is the pain of "him" being in my all the time...
Lord..im ready..take me now |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 28th, 2004|09:36 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | **sigh** | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Amanda resiting stupid lines from Napoleon Dynamite | ] |
Don't you hate it when things just dont seem to go good? When you explain something over and over again and they just never get it...when u want something so bad but you know you cant have it because all it will bring is pain?...Dont you hate even more that it had to end with you not in his life anymroe..of him in yours...
I miss him. im tired of the drama..i wish we never had to go through this...i wish that things were good again..i wish i could talk to him without drama...It doesnt matter anymore...
**Do what you want, feel what you want, and be with who you want...just make sure im not in any of those...Im tired of it all...so im done...forever**
Amanda and Shaina spent the night last night after movie night...Steve B, Patrick, Josh, Andrew, Bob and then ryan and nate showed up later...we watched Napoleon Dynamite..it was hilarious! Then..after everyone left, Shania and Amanda stay and we talked to people..and then we went upstairs and ate potatoe chips and everything..and yeah...it was a fun night..then Shania woke "us" up this morning cuz shes a doopy head..she was like..liv? and i said..mmm..and she said your brothers awake..and i said mmm and she said jacob and i was like..hhmmm..THEN! stupid birds were being anoying so i was abuot to go outside and shootthem wiht a gun..but i didnt have ne:-( Anyway..amanda fell back asleep and so did i and Shania was like..GET THE CRAP UP BLAH BLAH BLAH! and i was like..go rape a monkey..well i didnt sya it but i was thinking it really badly..Anyway, i got up and got my little brother up cuz he WASN'T up, and then Andrew shania and amanda and me all went downstairs and ate..and then ryan and nate are sleeping beauty's still..well im not so sure about Nate..but ryan..wow..he looks so peaceful...kinda weird how hes the exact oppposite in life ;-)..
jayslashkay Ryan!...only not ;)
OK..i want coffee so ima go ask to go to 7-11 and if she says no ima....use my telepathic skills to make coffee for amanda me and shania, and then we will have it delivered from Vince...the guy with the slicked back hair...and i can give him my booklet about what to do under a mistle toe that me and shannon made..yay! okay..im out..leave something cuz i dont feel good...in my heart..*sigh*
The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside
them knowing you can't have them. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 26th, 2004|09:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | *sigh* | ] |
| [ | music |
| | none | ] |
I saw you today
and the pain came back
I didnt know
it would hurt this bad
I saw you today
as i passed you by
but i couldnt even bare
to look you in the eye
I saw you today
how i wish i were prepared
I wish you would know
how much i still care
I saw you today
as i held back tears
Hoping i could
somehow disappear
:( |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 25th, 2004|04:31 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  LA LA LA | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Green Day-American Idiot | ] |
This morning i woke up feeling really sick...and around 7 My mom came upstairs and got me and nate up to open presents..cuz Jscob was spazing out...and anyway, i got some awesome stuff...i got a cookie monster green hoodie that says yummy on the bottom back..and then a elmo one that says tickle me on the bottom back...and then i got a new kareokee(?) machine that is all high tech and stuff..its pretty darn cool. And all three of us got digital cameras..and i got a light brite!! and um...those really soft fuzzy socks and hello kitty and elmo socks and jeans and a scrapbook holder thing and a bunch of other stuff...It turned out to be an awesome Christmas besides the fact that i dont feel good.
Last night Amanda Patrick and I sang Oh Holy Night for the Christmas Eve Service which was awesome!..and i wore a dress...yuk! but ne way, it was crazy awesome...and then JAIME, MR. KENDAL, and JOSH! all came!!! i cried i have misses them so much and they came!!! and Heather is coming down from PA for a few days! which is awesome! and yeah..so everything it awesome. and then i met Seth Shannon's friend...he went to Sudbrook! and i knew i knew him...and i think he went to Wynnewood a few times this past summer...but ne way i think i freaked him out with all the talk anout Shannon being my girlfriend-lol. okay i feel like ima pass out..so ima go lay down...
Merry Christmas!
*i still miss him :-(* |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 22nd, 2004|04:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  indescribable | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Without You | ] |
Someday in your life you'll find Someone you can be your goofy self with, but still be able to pour your heart out to, be able to look your worst and still have him say your beautiful he won't be prince charming but he'll be nothing less than perfect to you, he'll break your heart to pieces and make you cry but under all those tissues you'll still find a place in your heart to forgive, he'll be the boy you'll never be able to forget no matter what he does and no matter what he says you know you'll always be that girl who's heart races when you hear his name and that girl who misses him more then he knows.....
I miss him...i know i made the right choice, but i didnt know it would hurt so bad. Even just talking to him brings tears to my eyes.... |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 20th, 2004|11:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | heart broken | ] |
| [ | music |
| | It only hurts when i breathe-Shania Twain | ] |
sometimes its easier to try to make it alone rather than risk getting hurt again. sometimes its easier to be numb towards certain people so i dont let them get too close. sometimes im scared, but when i act numb towards you - it doesnt mean i dont care... it means i care too much.. Sometimes i just dont know exactly how i feel..
Today i lost a special person. I told him i can't do it anymore. And it has been forever that i have felt so broken and lost. I hate the fact that i have problems believing him. I hate the fact that it has to be like this in order for the pain to go away. I wanted to give him that chance so badly, but i couldn't. bring myself to do it. I just...couldnt...I was scared i would be hurt again, and i know he swore he wouldnt do it again, but i just couldnt make myself believe it was worth the risk. I wanted to so badly, but i couldnt. Those very famailiar tears came back tonight. As much as i wish they hadn't.
Now theres nothing left but to ask...Did i make a mistake?..... |
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| i hate stupid people |
[Dec. 17th, 2004|10:54 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  moody | ] |
| [ | music |
| | i Hated everything about you | ] |
Life is annoyingly frustrating right now...all because of two people...Im tired..and worn out and stressed..i HATE him. |
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| i think im going to explode |
[Dec. 15th, 2004|01:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  scared | ] |
| [ | music |
| | i still believe-Jeremy Camp | ] |
Christmas is right around the cornor. Ten days to be exact. I am usually as happy as can be. Loving every minute of Christmas music and hearing the true meaning of Christmas story every other day, seeing the beautiful Christmas lights and most of all, just the whole enviroment. Everything is good and jolly and....perfect. Christmas is my favorite time of year mainly because of the spirit everyone has. I have always loved everything about Christmas. This year, it feels different. Almost as if something is going to happen. I stay up every night listening to Jeremy Camp and praying for this holiday and for everyone. Im just tired of stress ya know? I dont think i have ever written so much about Christmas before...ive finished two notebooks of nothing but feelings in the last week.
Please Lord...just give me strength |
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| did i make a mistake? |
[Dec. 14th, 2004|04:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | lonely | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the silence of night | ] |
Im tired of the
T
E
A
R
S
Dont you hate when everythings going so awesome and then BAM! ur smacked in the face with something. Stress is gay, crying is gay and most of all life is gay...
writing my life away |
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| haha olivia's gay |
[Dec. 9th, 2004|01:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  exhausted | ] |
| [ | music |
| | silence | ] |
Wow...These last two weeks have been extremely bad...dont you hate when it feels like your life is falling to pieces...and you dont know what to do? Lately it just seems like everything around me is falling or is broken...and im not sure how to help them other then praying for them and being there...It hurts to see so many people in pain....
Im not necessarily sad or upset..im just...hurting for everyone around me....
It only hurts when im breathing.... |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 8th, 2004|11:23 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | drained | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Copeland - Do You Hear What I hear? | ] |
.I know its bene like a while since ive updated...but if anyh of u care then u need to get a life...and stop trying to find every little detail out about mine ;-)
I miss millington. Not just Kandice Jay Misty Jera and all them, but i miss going outside and seeing the stars,m and not street lights. i miss the quietness of it. And i miss having fun even if we were doing something as simple as taking a hike or driving around or camping. I just miss everything about Millington. Sure i miss all my friends to, but i miss the place in general. When im 18..ima move...I hate Maryland..everything about it..how busy it is and how annoying it is. ten years is just..ug..and im not going back to Ohio...i couldnt stand to go back there. And when i was in Millington, i felt filled...and happy. Sure it was only a week, but it was one of the best weeks of my entire life. And i didnt wanna leave....i have sooo much to think about though...Blah!
Ive been so..tired of everything lately. So much has been going on and i dont know how ive been able to stay all giggly and everything.
Im just tired of wanting so bad for my dream tocome true with manda panda....we have been working so hard on it and im just so tired of waiting around and rejection and everything...hopefully this summer will change it but i want to be discorvered and hit the big time ohhhs o abdly..with my voice. God gave me it why not use it for him in the big rollers?..lol
Idk..I think im going to write |
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| B is for Bad |
[Dec. 3rd, 2004|02:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | discontent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Dead Poetic | ] |
Dont you hate those days when everything just seems to go good, and then you get pounded by bad news and then more bad news and more and more? and then just when everything seems to be going okay again, BAM! your slapped in the face with none other than....Bad News.
Yesterday just seemed to be getting worse and worse as it the minutes passed me by. I didnt know so much could happen in one day. And it started off pretty well. I got a card fromone ofmy friends from SMMS asking if i wanted to go to a "reunion" bus bum party for all my friends on the bus last year, and then i got my books for school finally, but everything just kinda died after that. I got news about one of my friends that she wasnt doing to well, and her boyfriend is one of my friends to and they both just kinda...well..arent doing good at all...Not as a couple, but as people. That didnt bring me down, but the thought fo i might lose them did. That is probably one of the most scariest thoughts to ever run through your mind. What your life would be like without a certain person...yeah it just...wasnt cool. Then I went to choir and josh and AMANDA were there so it was fun, until one of my other friends came over and asked if i could help him, and he scared me to with the same kinda stuff my other two friends pulled. So eventually choir went over, and me and josh and shannon sat in the sanctuary while my dad and josh's dad and two other ladies from the choir did a quartet rehersal or whatever. Josh and Shannon kept me smiling and Josh and I were having a good ole time just thinking about memories as little kids..and lol.just some fun stuff. BUT then i got online when i got home and i got even mroe bad news about one of my friends trying to commit suicide...And it just..all went down from there. And then me being the way i am..asked what else could go wrong, and well...i learned pretty quickly..atleast i didnt explode..Cuz frank said thats how it could get worse and its a good thing i didnt blow up and all-lol.
Today....I have a reunion at friendly's from 4-5 with my bus bum friends, and then imgoing out to see Christmas with the Kranks with my family and a family dinner (christmas tradition) and then im coming home and going sleepy poo because..sleeping is what i do best.
Tomorrow-Arundle mills with friends from Patapsco maybe (?) and then babysitting and possibly spending the night at amandas..YAY!
Tonight...Dreaming...of....whatver i dream about. |
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| Sick and Tired |
[Dec. 2nd, 2004|01:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sick | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Do You Hear What I Hear...Christmas Song..on the radio | ] |
I dont feel good :-(
I always get a sinus infection before Christmas because of allergies..and Im only allergic to grass, pollen, and thats like it but then i always get sick right before Christmas...its stupid. My eyesa are all puffy, and my nose and chest are all congested and my head hurts and its gay crap!
Okay now that that is outta my system...lets move on to evenb more stuff you dont care about ;-)
Okay, well theres nothing else i feel like you should know...s0o0o0o stop being nosey u stalker!
sike..just kidding but i really have nothing else to add...s0o0o
ta ta toodles.
Look at my mood star thing..its like glowing!!...i dont glow do i? i hipe not cuz thats kind scary. |
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| My Picture Perfect Kodak Moment |
[Dec. 1st, 2004|09:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blurriish | ] |
| [ | music |
| | It's Been a Long Time coming--? | ] |
Laying in bed staring out my window
Raindrops falling from the sky
The wind so gently singing a song
Tears falling from my eyes
Feelings scattered in my heart
My body sore from pain
My mind racing between thoughts
With no words to say
Dont you hate nights like that?
Especially every sindle night
Its funny how one night can change you forever....
Writing...Kinda weird how one little book, can hold your entire life, mind and heart.......... |
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| I hate... |
[Nov. 29th, 2004|12:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  gloomy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | It only hurts when i breathe-Shania Twain | ] |
Yesterday, i was talking to an old friend. Just about what we have been up to lately and all, and the subject of everything that happened from...april-June came up. Most of you know about that specific time in my life, and a lot of you know how ive changed and been able to move on, or start fresh in a way. Well, this old friend of mine decided to bring up what happened, He basically made me re-live everything and repeated a lot of the things people said to me that i had prayed id never hear again in my life. It made me think, long and hard about everything that happened and how it happened and how i felt. I was confused as to why he would go through so much to talk to me to bring up one of the worst times of my life. Why would he say such hurting words to me even after all him and i have been through as friends. It made me realise exactly what i hate in people the most. I hate how the devil uses them to bring up the past and how it makes you feel and most of all how it hurts. It made me think. i spent most of the day in my room reflecting on everything and reading all the letters i got from classmates about it. I didnt know they were all under my bed, and i decided to go through the box of stuff that time...the letters i wrote and journals and notes from people and it made me hate cleaning my room even more. I started crying and i couldnt stop. Not only because i felt like i did during the time of everything happening, but because of the stuff i wrote and people wrote to me. I couldntbelieve that 7, 8 months ago, i was that depressed and that far away from God. I had two feelings about this whole thing. The first part was extremely down, because the guilt and the amount of pain i fely and it reminded me just how many people i hurt. The i felt thankful, that God took me back and that im healing and that im not like that anymore. And then i felt really bad again because i knew how certain people would feel if they knew about it.
I hate how one day can totally change the mood of the day. I hate how lately ive been...down. happy but down..Idk.
writing my life away |
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| A Godsend. |
[Nov. 26th, 2004|04:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  grateful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | He Is Legend | ] |
So today i was sitting here talking to people...and the subject of "my life" came up...and i started explaining why i have felt down and stuff...and this person who i was talking to..listented..and didnt say i was being stupid, or needa get over it..but he pointed out a lot of things i have been blinded to for a long time...i knew most of what he said but i mean, i never really grasped it all..and i hate how ur ready to complain and then they something about it...and ur like...shut up, but then i realised how extremely blessed i am..to have such amazing people like that in my life...because most of u know where i was this time last year...and what i was headed for, and u guys didnt give up on me. Even when you thought all i did was crave attention and want someone to feel sorry for me, u never gave up on me..How you guys would just offer a shoulder or some knd words or just...cry wiht me or pray with me...And now..with michelle and with just everything going on right now, u still havent given up...even if we arent like...best fo friends..u still listen..and its still a mystery as to why you care so much, even when im like...blah, but thanks..to everyone....who has benn there..and not been like..oh, well get over it..its been almost 2 and a half years...you'll live...Insted you listened and told me bibles verses to remember and even when i was at the point of no hope and wanting nothing but to die, u still stood by me...Now...im happier then i have been in a long time...Im still hurting with some stuff, but its nothing to make me so upset to be where i was 6, 7, 8 months ago...ive used the year to grow, and to find something to look forward to...ive noticed a lot of people have been extremely upset about something laely..especially one of my closest more truest friends...but im here and i care about u more then u know...and i can only hope i can be just like the guy i talked to...who was a true "godsend"
okay..i need coffee |
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| To much Turkey |
[Nov. 25th, 2004|05:21 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | gloomy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | He Is Legend | ] |
So today is the day of giving thanks...i guess thats why they call is Thanksgiving. Well theres a lot of things to be grateful for this year, and i am to lazy to write them all out..but you wanna hear how my wonderful day went? well to bad if not cuz ima write it...i went to bed at 3:30..my mom woke me up at 9:30 and i didnt feel like moving so i went back to sleep til 12:30. Then i sat in my room for about 10 mins just thinking. i went down stairs and fell back asleep til 1:30, jumped in the shower, and then came down stairs and spent an hour making meat wraps...(that's a pickle wrapped up in a piece of meat wiht cream cheese..gross sounding i know but they are so good!) So anyway, after i made those i started ot think of Michelle cuz shes the one who taught us to make them, and they were always out "special holiday project". It made me cry...nothing unusual though. Holidays always get me down about chelle. i miss her...i keep thinking and praying the pain to go away, but it doesnt. So anyway, i decied to give up on turkey...i dont like it very much ne more..so im gonna make my oqn tradition of chik-fil-a instead of turkey...its its quicker and better anyway=;-) so anyway after we said out blessing, we went around the table after we got food and we said what we ere thankful for, and we almost killed my mom cuz she was laughing so hard..and most of my thankfulness was about..chik-fila more for chik-fil-a, and cars to get thereand one being like ten misn away from my house and then having people make such good chik-fil-a and so forth-lol. And anyway nate just kept with the jokes and my mom turned bright red and it brought up christmas..cuz of red and green andym dining room is green and yeah. So we are watching a Christmas Story right now...Last Christmas Eve, my brother stayed up all night and watched the marathon./.i think he saw it like 8 times that night before waking everyone up...its funny though because u think jacob would wake everyone up bein the youngest and all but no its always nate..i always am to tired to wanna move so im usually the last kid down stairs...and then we sit and i fall back asleep while they open presents and then i open mine and blah blah blah...enougnabout christmas...today is about thanksgiving. Anyway, today i guess has been an over all good day...i sat out in the rain today..and just listened to it...It was a good thing..because i wasupset about michelle and i just...idk it almost felt as if she were hugging me...weird i know but whatever. ud think id be happier today....but i cant really smile. I guess thats all i wanna write...i have a pint of Ben and Jerry's Choaolte fudge brownie icecream in my feezer callingmy name and nate is saying im typingto loud..and it sounds like im killing a duck, so im off.
Ta ta toodles..... |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 24th, 2004|01:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | thankfully blessed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Thankful..KC | ] |
Many people will walk in and out of your life. But only true
Friends will
leave footprints in your heart.
To handle yourself, use your head;
To handle others, use your heart.
Anger is only one letter short of danger.
If someone betrays you once, it is his fault;
If he betrays you twice, it is your fault.
Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.
He, who loses money, loses much;
He, who loses a friend, loses much more;
He, who loses faith, loses all.
Beautiful young people are accidents of nature.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to
make them
all yourself.
Friends, you and me......
You brought another friend ...
And then there were 3 .
We started our group ..
Our circle of friends.....
There is no beginning or end ..
Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is mystery.
Today is a gift.
That is why we call it "The present."
This year, im thankful for all of th people who stood by me through everything, and didnt give up on me even though i hurt them. And im thankful that we were able to overcome our arguements and our fights to be where we are today...
I learned Life throws you curves, and the only way to get around them, is through faith. and having friends like the ones im blessed with. i know ive been down lately about michelle and about a lot of other things, and i still am about some of it especially michelle right now, but thank you got being there, and standing by me and not ever giving up. and if i dont know u as well as the ones im talking about thanks for putting up with me...:-)
alrighty im off to talk to the one, the only
*Josh*
haha yay,
ta ta toodles |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 23rd, 2004|01:36 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  brrr? | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Im the only Gay eskimo song | ] |
And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath--to forget
hmm..thats a good song....i hate how its true though...
I think its time to make this public...well it kinda already is but officially...
Candy and I are moving to California, getting married having two sets of twins, and having not one but TWO mini-vans...a green one and an orange one and when u mix them together u get the color of puke, so they will stay seperate and our children will be named as follower:
First set of twins...a boy and a boy..
Moe Lester
the second boy
Homor Sexual
My second set of twins are two girls..they will be named..
Rachel Ashlee
and
Patty Ever
there inicials spell...RAPE...hahah
THEN we will have a dog named...whatever we name him..
and im going to get "your name" tatooed on my butt so i can go up to random people and say ur name is tatooed on my butt...
wow..i have such a great life ahead of my...and look how beautifully hott my girlfriend Candyland is!..wow..i have been blessed..okay im done..
ta ta toodles |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 21st, 2004|11:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | wonderful wizard of oz song | ] |
1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Do you have a crush on me?
5. Would you kiss me?
6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
7. Describe me in one word.
8. What was your first impression?
9. Do you still think that way about me now?
10. What reminds you of me?
11. If you could give me anything what would it be?
12. How well do you know me?
13. When's the last time you saw me?
14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
15. Are there any memories with me that stand out?
16. Have I impacted you?
17. Where do you see "us" in the near future?
18. Where do you see "us" in the distant future?
19. How often do I cross your mind?
20. Are you going to put this in your journal and see what I say about you?
answer pweeeese :) |
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